Main Styles of Parenting and Discipline

Parenting is no walk in the park. Some call it a job, but it's far from a job, it's more like an adventure - as any parent will agree. However, it doesn't have to be an exhausting journey, with the right skills and practice, parenting can be fun, easy and empowering. Here are some articles to assist you on this magical adventure.

Over the last decades there have been many breakthroughs in the arena of child developmental psychology and childhood education. Today’s more aware approach to parenting and child education is gaining popularity and resulting in happier, more cooperative and less hyperactive children.

The parents who employ these more aware methods of raising their children are also finding their lives less stressful and more fulfilling. To have cooperative children who are easy to be with, loving and helpful makes life a breeze compared to dealing with kids who are out of control, hyperactive, unfocused, defiant, never satisfied, and even violent and aggressive.

Looking around today, we can safely say that the majority of parents practice an “Authoritarian” or “Punitive” style of parenting.

What we’ve also discovered is that those parents who don’t apply Authoritarian parenting will often tend to be overly permissive in their parenting. Then, when their child is out of control due to this permissiveness, the parent feels exacerbated and often will lash out with harshness in order to reel their unruly child in. Like a pendulum swing, the parent goes from Permissive parenting to Authoritarian parenting.

According to studies on the effects of Authoritarian parenting:
“Children from Authoritarian parenting lack social competence as the parent generally predicts what the child should do instead of allowing the child to choose by him or herself. The children also rarely take initiative. They are socially withdrawn and look to others to decide what’s right. These children lack spontaneity and lack curiosity.”

“These children are often the most vulnerable to enter into relationships with or marry equally abusive and controlling partners or develop mental illness when they enter adulthood.” 

There are three kinds of discipline. We will refer to these as “authoritarian parenting,” “permissive parenting” and “democratic parenting.” In this section, we will explain the problems you will encounter if you use authoritarian parenting or permissive parenting, and why we recommend democratic parenting.

Authoritarian Discipline and Parenting

Parents who use authoritarian parenting are either using “authoritarian violent parenting” or “authoritarian non-violent parenting.”

Authoritarian Violent Parenting 

First, we will describe the problems you will face if you use “authoritarian violent parenting.” With this kind of discipline, all your control comes through hitting, spanking, threatening, yelling, humiliating, blaming, belittling, criticizing, etc. To do this means you control your child by physical or verbal abuse.

You can already see the problems you face with authoritarian violent parenting. Clearly the home atmosphere will be tense, rigid and oppressive. With this form of parenting, your children will often feel angry, hostile, scared or powerless, and will have low self-esteem.

Through authoritarian violent parenting children learn violence, competitiveness, lying and blind obedience to authority, and they end up having no self-discipline. What we then see in the adolescent teen is a child who will likely rebel, run away from home, act out with fights, drugs, sexual promiscuity, etc. and become hurtful to herself or to others.

As you can see, in authoritarian violent parenting, the parents ultimately run out of power – just as violent dictators who rule countries with this same style eventually get overthrown.

Research study results on instances of harsher punishment:

* One large study showed that the more parents spanked children for antisocial behaviour, the more the antisocial behaviour increased.

* The study showed that the more children are hit, the more likely they are to hit others including peers and siblings and, as they grow into adults, they are more likely to hit their spouses. Hitting children teaches them that it is acceptable to hit others who are smaller and weaker.

* A Canadian government study for children at risk showed that being hit as children are associated with more depressive symptoms and psychiatric disorders as adults.

Authoritarian Non-Violent Parenting

With this form of discipline, the methods we use to control our children include rewards and punishments. The rewards may include money, privileges, treats, toys, hugs, praise, attention, etc. Among the punishments used in authoritarian non-violent parenting include loss of privileges, withdrawal of love and attention, isolation, making the child feel guilty, etc.

So what children learn from this form of parenting is conformity, “apple-polishing” and deviousness, and they tend to lack self-discipline. Children raised with authoritarian non-violent parenting may feel resentful, angry, misunderstood and manipulated.

What then could be seen in the adolescent teen is emotional withdrawal, rebelling and searching elsewhere for unconditional love. Parents who practice this form of discipline most commonly complain that their teenager doesn’t talk with them. Thus, as you can see again, with authoritarian non-violent parenting parents run out of power. 
SOURCE: The Happy Child Guide

Permissive Parenting and Discipline

Parents who practice a more permissive style of parenting, a more "laisser-faire" approach to discipline often will find themselves “at the end of their rope” when using using this kind of discipline, as tend to develop the dynamic of having no power. And what usually happens in this case is that out of frustration and lack of skills, the pendulum will swing and the parent resorts to authoritarian parenting to try and regain some control with their child.

In order to get children to cooperate using permissive parenting, you would have to use pleading, bribing, negotiating, nagging, yielding, lecturing, waiting, self-sacrificing, rescuing and catering. In all of these instances, the real needs of the child are not addressed, and as a result, each of these is a form of neglect (neglecting to address the child’s real needs).

With permissive parenting the home atmosphere can be chaotic, exhausting, and inconsistent. Children learn how to manipulate others and develop no self-discipline, while feeling confused, guilty and insecure.

Children raised with permissive parenting can become selfish, dependent, demanding, whining, domineering, manipulative and irresponsible. Parents can also feel resentful of their children.

So, as you can see we recommend avoiding using “authoritarian parenting” or “permissive parenting,” for the reasons described above, and instead we recommend “democratic parenting.” 

Democratic Parenting

“Democratic parenting” is all about connection and including the children in the process. For children to enjoy life and have good age-appropriate judgment, they must feel connected to other people and to their environment. They must feel like they “belong” and hold a significant status in life.

With democratic parenting, everyone has a sense of power – including the child. When the sense of power is shared with the child, there is no need for power struggles, making cooperation natural and easy.

The methods used for democratic parenting allow the home atmosphere to be relaxed, orderly and flexible. The parents provide unconditional love, modeling, encouragement, listening to feelings and natural consequences for their children, and meet their real needs.

In this relaxed home atmosphere, “problem solving” is encouraged. Regular family meetings in a supportive atmosphere are incorporated among the “problem solving” options.

Because the atmosphere helps children feel connected and loved, and the children’s thinking and ideas are incorporated in family decision making, children feel happy, secure, confident and well loved, and they tend to have high self-esteem.

All the while, children are learning self-discipline, responsibility, problem-solving skills, respect, natural consequences, intelligent thinking and cooperation.

What we then see in the adolescent teen is love and respect between the parents and the child. Because the child’s needs have been met, and she feels loved and connected to their parents and others, she feels no need to rebel or withdraw.

The Happy Child Guide will show you how you can practically apply attachment parenting principles and help you figure out what the child’s real need is and how to dissolve the challenging behaviour by addressing it directly.

Source-www.parentlearningclub.com